What She Found Out
by Aquira
Summary: This is the ending to my other story, What She Doesn't know. My take on the relationship troubles between Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks that happen during the 7th book, when Tonks is pregnant and Remus leaves.
1. Chapter 1

*****A few words from Aquira: **Hello everyone! If you're on this page, I'm assuming you want the ending to my story, What She Doesn't Know! This is that ending, so if you're here with no knowledge of that, you may want to check out that story too! This ending will be in two chapters, mainly because it was getting _really_ long and I thought it would be easier to read in two installments. Expect the next chapter sometime next week!

* * *

Tonks sighed and closed the journal, setting it on the bed next to her. After Molly had left, she had tried to comfort herself by reading, but she couldn't shake her miserable mood. She wanted Remus, the man she married, not the child he had been in this book. As enjoyable as it was to read about his life so long ago, she wasn't getting the answers she had been expecting. Not quickly, anyway, and she was growing impatient.

Glaring at the book, Tonks rolled onto her side, her hand on her stomach. Dimly she wondered when she would be able to feel the baby move and imagined that first kick, imagined running excitedly to Remus to make him feel, too. Her bad mood worsened when she reasoned that moment would probably never happen now. Remus had left her, without really explaining why, and she was all alone with this child.

The answers had to be in the journal. She was sure of it. He had been so concise while writing that she was beginning to understand how his thoughts had developed and changed to create the man he was today. The problem was the journal was long, written in what must have been an enchanted book that never ran out of pages, and reading just the beginning wouldn't be very definitive. She was only getting a vague image of her husband's childhood, and real information wouldn't come until later.

The rational part of her brain told her that reading only the end would be confusing. It would be difficult to understand motivations or keep up with new events without the whole story, and she couldn't decide what to do. Reading straight through was taking too long, and skipping to the end wasn't an option. She needed the middle information, and she reasoned that if she just skimmed it, gathered enough bits and pieces to get the gist of what was happening, maybe she could hurry towards the end. Maybe she could find her answers.

Carefully, she grabbed the journal and opened to her bookmark. She glanced through the next entry quickly, but stopped partway through, startled to see her own name on the page. The date of the entry, she realized, was only a week after her birthday, and in the entry Sirius told his friends that Andromeda's child had been born. The boys, including Remus, had laughed at the name choice, and Tonks scowled. All the times Remus had told her he loved her name, and he had laughed at it the first time he heard it. She supposed she couldn't judge too harshly, though. After she had gotten to know Remus better, she had jokingly asked him if he had a twin named Romulus. They both really did have ridiculous names.

She decided that their child, boy, girl, or what have you, would have a perfectly normal name, like Steven or Jessica.

She sighed, letting the jests about her name pass. It wasn't as if she would make any substantial appearance in this journal anyway, so why get upset about teenage boys making jokes? She turned to the next entry.

A few letters on old stationary fell out, and she knew they had to be letters from Allison in France. Tonks, not bothering to read them, tucked them back between the pages and kept skimming, getting through the rather uneventful summer in a matter of minutes. The entries got a bit more interesting again when third year started, and Allison introduced everyone to her new neighbor, a boy named Derek Harrison that Remus didn't seem to like at all. Further on, it became apparent that Remus' jealousy was justified, as Allison expressed feelings for this new boy and started dating him.

_She moved on from Remus_, Tonks thought. _That must be the end of it. He got burned._

Quite content with that bit of information, she flipped through the pages speedily, only reading a word or two here and there, pausing to read an entire paragraph if the words she read caught her attention, and then moving on. Before she knew it, she was at the end of 1973, reading the entry about the less-than-eventful dance with Gretchen Gardner she_ had_ heard about, and the words, "I think I'm in love with you," stopped her cold. Confused, she read the sentences surrounding it and became more confused.

She turned back a page and started from the beginning.

* * *

**(Sunday December 16, 1974) – Six Days After**

Last night, walking with Peter down to the entrance hall to meet our dates was awkward. He kept fidgeting with his dress robes and giving me nervous glances, and it was almost enough to make me uneasy about the evening. I'm sure he would have rather walked with James or even Sirius down to the dance, as their natural exuberance seems to overshadow even the strongest case of nerves, but they had their own plans with their own dates. Also, Miranda had only agreed to go with Peter if the two of them could tag along with Gretchen and me, so neither of us had much of a choice in the matter.

"Are you nervous?" Peter wondered, straightening his collar for the fifth time.

"No," I replied, and it was true. If anything, I was apathetic. Allie was probably meeting Derek at that very moment. I, on the other hand, was going to stand quietly next to the girl I have been tutoring in Charms in the hopes of appearing otherwise engaged for the evening. I would probably dance with Gretchen to distract myself from staring at Allie, and I would probably spend half the evening staring anyway. It wasn't anything to be nervous about.

"Well I'm nervous," he said. "I know Miranda is only going with me because Gretchen asked her to. She's not going to have a good time."

Instantly I felt a bit guilty. I hadn't considered that Peter's evening was so dependent on my own, and I had been determined to have an awful time. "You'll be fine," I said. "Miranda is a nice girl. We'll have a good time together."

He smiled a little, but I don't know if he was actually reassured. We kept walking. At the top of the main staircase I could see the girls waiting for us. Gretchen was wearing a new pair of glasses and a very pretty periwinkle dress, and Miranda had curled her hair. There were several other couples mingling and I forced myself not to look for Allie as we descended the stairs.

"You two look nice," Gretchen said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"As do you," I returned politely.

Peter handed Miranda the flower he had picked for her, and the slightly sour look Miranda had been wearing softened a little. She complimented his hair and took his arm, walking into the Great Hall with him. I offered my arm to Gretchen and we followed.

Inside, the music was already loud. Peter took Miranda to the dance floor and Gretchen found a table for us to sit at. I saw James with Piper over in a corner and Sirius dancing wildly with Shelby, and I even spied Derek over by the punch bowl. I glanced away before I could see him with Allie.

I caught Gretchen staring at me and I faked a smile. "Do you want to dance?" she asked.

I nodded and let her lead me away from the table. It was strange, dancing, but focusing on my own lack of coordination prevented me from looking around the room. Gretchen was actually a very good dancer and she laughed a bit at my missteps before showing me some less embarrassing movements. We spotted Peter and Miranda chatting a little ways away, and they seemed to be laughing with each other. Peter gave me a thumbs-up.

About an hour into the evening, I finally saw Allie. I had tried to avoid seeing her with or without Derek, but she managed to find me while I was in line for punch and Gretchen was in the lavatory. Allie looked positively stunning with her hair braided back and the slightest bit of color on her lips. The necklace I'd given her as a gift in first year stood out wonderfully against the smooth yellow dress she was wearing, and I couldn't help smiling as she approached. "You look wonderful," I breathed.

"Thank you," she said, smiling back. "You're not so bad yourself."

I cleared my throat, feeling uncomfortable. "So where's Derek?" I wondered.

"I needed something to drink," she said, "so I left him talking to his friends. It was loud over there anyway, so a break is perfect. What about Gretchen? Where is she?"

"Bathroom," I said.

There was something akin to disappointment on her face. Maybe Allie had been hoping I had a moment to chat and was upset to learn my date would be returning shortly. I frowned at her. "Do you want to dance?" I asked, holding out my hand.

Neither of us had gotten our drinks, but she nodded and took my offered hand. I wove my fingers through hers as we stepped onto the dance floor, and as the next song started, I assumed the starting position of the waltz. As fate would have it, it was a slow song, and Allie reddened. She pushed away my ridiculous stance and put her free hand on my shoulder, keeping our laced fingers together. I had to remind myself to breathe.

I rested my other hand on her waist and pulled her closer. Dancing wasn't awkward with Allie, at least not in the same way it had been with Gretchen, and I actually enjoyed dancing with her. Holding her in my arms, feeling her breath on my neck, and not having to think about my feet as we swayed to the music was one of the most serene moments of my life. When she leaned in and placed her head on my shoulder, I didn't hesitate to rest my cheek against her hair.

"This is nice," she mumbled.

I murmured a sound of consent, though it was an incredible understatement. Being with her in any way at all was wonderful, and the added atmosphere of the dance canceled out any of the awkwardness that might have been between us. The tightness in my chest that accompanied her presence lately was magnificently absent. Content, immune to rational thought, I cradled her close to my chest. "I think I'm in love with you."

I didn't remember deciding to say those words, but I had heard my own voice, and it was like the music was crashing down around me. Allie stepped back from me, her hands dropping to her sides, her face unreadable. Slowly she understood what I had said, and I couldn't move. I couldn't even say anything in my own defense. Her brow furrowed and a hand went up to cover her mouth, tears brimming in her eyes. "Please tell me you didn't just say that," she said.

I couldn't respond. All I could do was make this helpless sort of gasping sound as the entire world drifted further and further away from me.

Allie looked up at the lights above us, her eyelids fluttering in a vain attempt to keep from crying. "Why would you do this to me now?" I could hear exasperation in her voice. The song we had started our dance with was still playing.

Somehow I managed to speak. "I don't know why I said that."

For a moment, her mouth opened and closed without sound, and she glanced around us, probably noticing the other couples starting to stare. Allie gently touched my wrist and looked into my eyes. She asked, sadly, "Why didn't you say it sooner?"

Before I could reply, Allie had wiped her eyes and walked quickly away from me, heading straight for where I'm sure Derek was across the room. I stood alone on the dance floor until the song died, ignoring the stares all around me. Then, almost automatically, I strode over to the punchbowl to get myself a drink. If not for the hollow, gnawing pit in my stomach I might have been able to pretend the moment hadn't happened.

Gretchen found me at our table just a few minutes later. She started babbling to me about how well Peter and Miranda seemed to be getting on, but I barely heard a word. When she realized I wasn't paying attention, she blushed and cleared her throat. "Are you okay, Remus?" she asked.

I shook my head. "I'm not feeling well," I told her, not sure if that counted as lying.

"What's the matter?"

She seemed so concerned, and I felt so horrible. I didn't know if it would be better or worse to tell her the truth. Gretchen was far too kind for even going with me to this stupid dance, and I had treated her appallingly. But admitting that I had only asked her along to make sure I didn't end up doing what I'd just done might have been tactless.

"I just made an arse of myself," I said, deciding that if I couldn't be a gentleman for our date, I could at least let her be my friend.

"With Allie?" Gretchen guessed, and she was kind enough to hold back her laugh when I balked in surprise. "You thought I didn't know about her? After working on Charms with you all year, hearing you talk about her during every single study session… Let's just say I didn't think this was actually a date."

"And you're okay with that?" I wondered.

Gretchen sighed. "Remus, you're a little too bookish for me," she said. I caught the wink she gave me behind her glasses. "You're a good friend, though, and I've had fun tonight. That's all I expected."

I tried to smile at her. "Yeah, well, I doubt I'll be much fun for the rest of the evening."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Gretchen asked.

I didn't, though I knew talking about it would probably relieve the aching in my chest. I almost nodded, but the thought of explaining how very distressed Allie had looked before she walked away from me… I couldn't do it. "I think I want to go back to my dorm," I said.

"I'll walk you," she said, remarkably understanding.

With music still blaring, the two of us stood, said goodbye to Peter and Miranda, and left the Great Hall. We walked up the stairs together, not talking beyond the minimum commentary about how the dance had been. When we finally reached the portrait hole, Gretchen flashed me a reassuring smile. "Things will get better, Remus." With that, she kissed my cheek and wandered back the way we came. I wondered if she would go back to the dance by herself.

I took myself upstairs to the dorm and collapsed into my bed. Still in my dress robes, I drew the curtain and closed my eyes, trying to sleep despite my brain's attempt to revisit the moment on the dance floor with Allie. My brain kept winning and sleep didn't come, and I was still wide awake when my dorm mates returned several hours later.

I heard James laughing with Peter, and Wesley was regaling Owen with a loud tale of his evening's escapades. Daniel was politely telling everyone to keep their voices down since he assumed I was asleep, though nobody listened. Sirius' voice came last, distantly, from beyond the door. He was still downstairs and, from his tone and the female voice shouting along with his, was arguing with Shelby. It was almost easier to sleep with the other guys in the room. Their excited chatter went on long into the night, distracting me from my own thoughts until I was tired enough to pass out.

In the morning, I was the first one awake, an unusual occurrence. Everyone else was still sleeping off their apparently fantastic evenings, and I didn't bother waking any of them as I got ready for the day. They would eat later, and I wandered down to the Great Hall by myself, where I found deserted tables full of breakfast. I was far from the only student who had turned in early from the dance, but it was clear a majority of the populace had been up late the night before, drinking and eating and dancing and probably making fools of themselves in entirely socially acceptable ways. I avoided the other two Gryffindors at my table when I sat down.

About halfway through my plate of food, a pair of hands covered my eyes. "Guess who?" a familiar voice called in singsong.

"Gretchen?" I guessed.

The hands fell away. "No, it's Allie," she said, sounding disheartened. "Why, were you expecting Gretchen?"

I shook my head, gesturing for her to sit. "I didn't think it would be you. Not after…" My voice trailed off, failing to finish the sentence. I didn't think I could say anything else, either.

Allie gave a small smile. She looked nervous, and that didn't bode well. "That's kind of what I wanted to talk about, actually," she said. "I'm sorry I ran off like that last night. I just… it didn't seem like the best place to talk. Derek was there and—"

"It's fine," I said automatically. "I shouldn't have said anything to begin with."

She was quiet for a moment, her blue eyes staring into mine with a strange mixture of apprehension and determination. "I'm glad you said it," she told me. "I wish you said it like six months ago, but I'm glad you said it. It means I wasn't deluding myself."

"Allie…" I began, hesitantly.

She must have realized I didn't really have anything to add to that sentence because she put up a hand, silencing me. "No, I have something to say," she said. The usual calm in her voice was gone, replaced with a shaky uncertainty I wasn't used to. "If you're only telling me this now because I'm with Derek and it's some sort of wanting what you can't have thing, then we have a whole different set of problems. But… was I wrong? About us?"

I didn't quite understand the question, but I didn't think she quite understood what she was trying to ask. I answered as best I could. "I've liked you since first year."

"Then why didn't you say anything?" she wondered.

I was impressed with her ability to hold eye contact when this conversation was making me want to hide under a rock for the rest of my life. "Because, Allie…" I started. There had been so many reasons, and at least half of them didn't matter anymore. The major ones, though, the lycanthropy and general unworthiness I felt couldn't be expressed properly. I focused on the obvious ones. "We were eleven. How many lasting relationships do you know of that started at eleven? I want to keep you in my life for a long time, and the idea of throwing away friendship for an impulse was ridiculous."

She frowned. "That makes sense," she mumbled.

It was quiet for a moment and I sighed, still not sure if I was ready for the direction this conversation had turned. "The question now is what about _you_?" I said. "What do you feel?"

The corners of her mouth perked up a little. "I've had a crush on you since that first day in Herbology," she said, flushing. "You were interesting before that, too, like on the train when you made faces with me about Rachel, and that expression you'd get during class."

I almost laughed and gave her an impertinent smile instead. "You're upset with _me_ for not saying anything?" I argued. "I didn't even know until Kate started bothering me. You knew way before I did."

"How was I supposed to tell you?" she wanted to know. "I was never sure if you felt the same way. You're so reserved about everything and all that hand holding and long conversations could have meant nothing more to you. If I said something and you didn't feel the same way, it would have been so awkward. You would have avoided me like you did with Kate."

She wasn't wrong. Kate had completely fallen off my radar since that mess in first year, and I planned on keeping it that way. Kate hadn't been my friend, though, and I wondered how I would have reacted if she had been. Would I have avoided her so readily, or would I have tried to make the friendship work?

I didn't know the answer. "What now?" I asked.

Allie shook her head. "Nothing," she said. Her voice caught a little. "Derek hasn't done anything wrong and he's… I'm really starting to like him. I'm not going to break up with him just because you finally spoke up."

There wasn't a single thing I could say in response to that. I had known that would be her reaction and was completely taken off-guard by it at the same time. I turned my attention back to my now cold plate of food and poked wordlessly at my potatoes with my fork. I wasn't hungry anymore.

I could see her fingers flex, as if she wanted to reach out and touch me but was holding herself back. She folded her hands on her lap. "I really hope this won't change anything between us," Allie said.

"Allie this changes everything," I said.

"It doesn't have to, though!" she said. She did reach out, then, and placed her hand over my wrist. "Think about it, Remus. Both of us have dealt with unrequited feelings for basically the entire friendship. If we can't stay friends now just because the other person knows, then we didn't have any right being friends in the first place."

I put down my fork. Without really knowing why, I adjusted my hand to weave our fingers together and turned slightly, so I could look at her directly. "The feelings aren't unrequited, though," I pointed out.

She stared back at me, licking her lips. Her voice came out breathy. "I know, but…"

When she didn't continue, I ran my rough fingers over her soft, delicate ones for a moment before letting go and picking up my fork again. I tried to force some cold potatoes into my mouth and had trouble swallowing.

She must have taken my silence as a desire to give up. She motioned to leave, but thought better of it and stayed seated. Allie made me look at her one last time. "Do you really want us to stop being friends over this?" she asked, almost angrily.

"No," I replied automatically. I sighed. "You can't pretend it'll be the same, though."

Allie bit her lip, but the shakiness had gone from her voice. She was determined again, and I couldn't help smiling at that. "It'll be a little weird at first," she said, "but I think it will work. Maybe there will be a little less hand holding and a little more awkward eye contact, but we'll be fine. I know it."

"Okay," I said. "We'll be fine."

"Besides, you never know when things aren't going to work out," she added, giving me a curious sideways glance. "I'm not breaking up with Derek today, or even tomorrow, but nobody knows how things will end up in the future."

I got her meaning then and shook my head. "Allie, I'm not going to wait around for you two to break up like a patient dog," I said, though it wasn't as if I had many prospects lined up behind her. I probably would wait.

"I'm not asking you to," she replied quickly. She began to butter some toast, evidently deciding to join me for breakfast now that we had discussed and gotten past our elephant. "I'm just saying it's not never going to be an option. If we stay as close as we are and there's better timing in the future, then maybe we could… I'm not saying 'no' is all I'm saying."

I smiled again. Grabbing more sausage, I said, "Did you enjoy the dance last night?"

"Oh I had a splendid evening," she replied, affecting a high society tone. She grinned at me, appreciating my attempt at normalcy. "Erin really should throw balls more often. I danced with several handsome suitors. Oh, and I danced with you." She paused and we both laughed at the pretend scowl on my face. "Did you have a good time?"

"I did, all things considered," I said. "I'm glad I didn't ruin your night."

"You could never ruin my night," Allie replied.

Then she tried to steal a piece of my sausage, and pushed her hand away, and it felt like everything had actually managed to go back to normal. Talking it through had worked. In spite of everything, we really were going to be fine.

* * *

Tonks had to laugh, though bitterly, at her premature conclusion from before. Of course the relationship hadn't ended when Derek came around. Remus and Allison cared about each other far too much for that to happen. Now their feelings were out in the open and it was only a matter of time. Or history, considering whatever happened next for the couple happened more than twenty years ago.

Turing more pages with shaky hands, she found that the inevitable happened just over a month into their fourth year, during a study session, it seemed. This entry she also read in its entirety, wanting to catch at least some of the important details.

* * *

**(Saturday October 5, 1974) – Four Days After**

Today, James held Quidditch tryouts. He and Sirius got up bright and early so they could go down before everyone else, and I'm almost positive Sirius only wanted to go because Rachel would be down at the pitch watching Eric. He certainly wasn't going down to try out for himself and how could he pass up the opportunity to flirt with her in the stands? Somehow, I managed to talk my way out of joining them.

Instead, I took the time to catch up with my homework. Derek was doing something with his friends today, so Allie was actually free to work with me for a change. We went up to the dorm room because the common room was noisy, and we found Peter trying to finish his star charts. "Oh, hey guys," he greeted. "Have you worked on your star charts yet?"

"Yeah," Allie said, sparing me a quick look. She paused for a moment before speaking again, as if making up her mind about something. "If you're having trouble, you can look at mine if you want."

Peter nodded, though he looked startled. "That would be amazing."

So Allie reached into her bag and handed him her finished assignment. "Just promise to give it back before class," she said. Her tone seemed almost dismissive, and I was confused. As long as I had known her, she had never offered to let anyone copy her homework, but I decided to hold off on my questioning.

"Thanks," Peter said, taking the paper. He must've caught on to her tone as well because he gave us both a questioning look. "I guess I'll leave you two alone." Before either of us could say anything else, he scurried out of the room to copy the star chart elsewhere.

Once Peter was gone, I looked at her. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you wanted him to leave," I said as we made ourselves comfortable on my bed.

She shrugged and scooted closer to me. "Maybe you don't know any better, because I did want him to leave," she said with a smile. "You and I haven't had a chance to really _talk_ for a while, and I wanted some alone time with you. I mean, we can talk with Pete in the room, but…"

"Yeah, I know what you mean," I said. Allie was usually with Derek lately so we hadn't had time to ourselves except during our classes, and that wasn't really time alone. I swallowed, realizing our knees were very close to touching.

"Good, because I've really missed you," she said, pulling out her books. "I know it's my fault because I've been with Derek. I'm really sorry. I haven't made much time for you, but you forgive me, right?"

I mumbled a sound of agreement, having lost my ability to actually form words. I hadn't realized how very much I enjoyed her proximity, and how very much I had missed it. Now she was sitting close enough for me to smell her blackberry shampoo. I loved that smell, and for a moment I entertained the ridiculous idea that she still used that shampoo because I like it. Then the smell ceased to be distracting, as her knee pressed right against my thigh. I completely lost track of what class' homework we were supposed to be working on.

"What pages were we supposed to read?" she asked. She was obviously more focused on working than I was. "I thought it started on page four-hundred and seven, but there are only questions on that page."

"Uh…" I turned to page 407, so that it would at least _seem_ like I was paying attention to our work. There was a list of questions about transmogrifying rats. I guess that meant we were working on Transfiguration. "Did McGonagall actually say we were supposed to read anything?" I asked hoarsely. My throat was dry. "Maybe we just have to answer these questions." I cleared my throat and focused on the pages of my book, so I wouldn't stare at her.

She shifted her leg, moving so her knee was no longer against mine. Her mouth pursed to the side in thought, and she started flipping through her notes to find the assignment. "Maybe she did say something about answering questions…"

I reached for one of my old spell books, wishing she hadn't moved her leg. She had been so close to me… I blinked, attempting to refocus my scattered thoughts, and actually looked at the book in my hands. I vaguely recalled a section in that book on rodent transmogrification. I stuck my nose in the book, reasoning that if I couldn't see her, I wouldn't be able to think about her.

It was quiet for a moment while she skimmed her notes, and I searched through the index of my book. Suddenly, I noticed Allie screw up her face, and she sneezed.

I couldn't help but stop and smile. In my opinion, the sound of her sneeze is adorable. It's tiny, and almost sounds like she's really saying 'achoo.' "Bless you," I said, looking up. It was the first time making eye contact with her since we started working.

"Thanks." She gave me a small smile. As I had feared, I couldn't look away.

Our eyes remained locked for a moment before her cheeks flushed and she quickly looked back down at her notes. She started rifling through the papers, almost as if to distract herself. I, on the other hand, continued to stare. Allie looked lovely, even with a red nose and watery eyes left over from her sneeze. I wanted to take her hand and say something—anything—but I couldn't.

Glancing at me out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that I was still staring. "What?" she wondered, toying nervously with her quill.

I willed myself to speak, so she would stop looking so worried. No sensible words came to mind, so I said the first nonsensical thing that I could think of. "I don't think you should be with Derek," I blurted.

It was a bold enough comment that her eyes snapped up to mine, her gaze intent in silent warning. "I thought we talked about this," she said.

"I know we did, but…" My voice was starting to tighten. This was a bad idea. Why had I brought it up? I didn't say any more.

"But what?"

Licking my quickly drying lips, I shifted my attention back to the books on our laps. "It's nothing," I tried. My voice was still remarkably constricted. I was surprised she could understand me at all. "Forget I said anything."

Allie ducked her head a little, trying and failing to meet my eyes. "No, what were you going to say?"

I continued to stare at the books. "My feelings haven't changed," I said. "I know you said 'someday' or whatever, but what if you and Derek never break up?"

"Then you'll have to deal with that," she said. She didn't sound harsh or angry, and that was terrible. She sounded sad and sorry, and that was so much worse than angry. "You know I really like Derek."

I didn't reply. With a slight nod, I picked up my book again and started to read through the questions. "I think the answers to these are in one of our old books," I said quietly. Changing the subject was the best option at that point. "It must be a review assignment."

"Remus," she tried, but she didn't say anything else.

I blinked at her. "Oh, did you want to keep having that conversation? Because I didn't."

"Remus," she tried again, a little more insistently this time. "I don't want you to give me some sort of ultimatum. You're my best friend, but I like Derek, too. He told me he liked me when you wouldn't. I won't break up with him if he hasn't done anything wrong."

I sighed, supposing we needed to have this conversation eventually. "I'm not giving you an ultimatum, Allie," I argued. "If you want to be with Derek, I can live with that. But it's really hard for me when you tell me 'someday' like it's actually possible. It's not fair. I don't want to be your backup plan. Stay with him if you want, but don't give me sympathetic hope. If all we're ever going to be is friends, tell me."

Her mouth quivered. "I don't want to say that. I can't say that."

"Why not?" I asked.

A sound almost like an exasperated sob escaped her lips. "Because as much as I like Derek, my feelings haven't changed either. But I can't just call it off for—"

Instinctively, I leaned forward, putting my hand on her cheek, silencing her. "Then be with me," I mumbled, not entirely aware of what I was saying. My thumb brushed against her lower lip. It was remarkable she hadn't pulled away. My breathing was becoming harder to control, and she kept staring at me.

"What are we doing, Remus?" she whispered, still not looking away.

"I don't know." I didn't realize how close I was getting, but I wanted to be closer. Before I knew it, my mouth was mere inches from hers.

I hesitated. What _was_ I doing? I had never kissed anyone before, and I didn't know what was compelling me to do it then at such an inopportune time. What if she didn't want me to kiss her? What if I didn't do it right? What if Derek found out? But a second was all the time I needed to make up my mind. I didn't care that she was dating Derek. I didn't care that I didn't know how to kiss. I wanted my first kiss to be with her, even if she did have a boyfriend. Without another thought, I pressed my lips to hers.

Allie gave a tiny gasp, but she responded. To me, the kiss lasted hours, but it was really only a few seconds before she came to her senses and pulled away. "Remus!" she breathed, very startled. I had a vague fear that she was going to slap me. "You just kissed me!"

"You kissed me back," I hastily pointed out. I couldn't look away from her as I tried to keep my breathing under control.

Allie froze. "I… I did," she said, giving me a confused look. "I kissed you. I have a boyfriend, and I kissed you. Oh, Derek is going to kill me!"

"Well," I started, trying to regret what I had done. I didn't have much success because all I could really think about was kissing her again. "Derek doesn't have to know. We don't have to tell Derek anything. He won't know about that kiss or… or… or any other kiss."

"'Any other kiss'?" she repeated. "We've only kissed once."

I nodded, swallowing hard. Something overcame me, and I knew what I wanted. "I know that," I said. "But I think I'd like to do it again."

I didn't want to change my mind. Before either of us could say anything else, I pulled her close and kissed her deeply. I had thought kissing would be hard, but it seemed so natural with Allie. It felt like I knew exactly how to move my lips, exactly when to open my mouth, exactly where to touch her. It was only a matter of time before we had knocked the books off the bed and she was on top of me, kissing me back just as eagerly. It felt right, and I knew we could never go back to being 'just friends.' I didn't want to ever go back to being 'just friends.'

After a long while, I heard a slight _creak_. I assumed it was the bed. Or maybe I wanted to tell myself it was the bed so that I didn't have to stop kissing her. But, a second later, someone cleared his throat, and I knew the creak had been that someone opening the door.

I quickly pulled away from Allie and we glanced at the door. Sirius was leaning against the entryway with his arms folded across his chest, looking very superior. He raised an eyebrow to me. I wanted to disappear.

Allie gave me a flushed smile before jumping off my bed and rushing towards the door. I thought I heard her mutter "Shut up, Sirius" as she passed him on her way out.

Obnoxiously, Sirius stepped after her. "Goodbye Allison!" he shouted down the stairs. "I am so glad Remus could show you such a nice time!" Once he was sure everyone in the common room knew she had been up in the dorm with me, he turned back around, smiling wickedly. "Moony, Moony, Moony. I cannot believe what I just saw."

"Shove off, Sirius," I swore. One of our homework books had miraculously managed to remain on the bed, so I shut it forcefully, hoping something would show me mercy and kill me before Sirius could say anything else to embarrass me.

He strolled further into the room. "I am curious," he taunted. "How is it that a girl—a girl with a boyfriend, no doubt—could be found up here, snogging you? I thought you were better than that, Remus."

I sighed and held on to the book moodily, glaring at him. "We were doing homework," I attempted to explain, even though I knew he wouldn't really listen. "But then we started talking and—and then I mentioned Derek and we… Well, you know what happened. You saw."

"I did see," he laughed. "It was very steamy. Now, Remus, you have to tell me. How long has this… _affair_ been going on? It doesn't seem like you."

"It's not like I planned it. It was the first time it happened and—"

"Aww, Remus! Your first kiss!" he exclaimed, holding his hands over his heart in the most annoying manner he could manage. "That is terribly sweet!"

"And you're terribly annoying," I shot back angrily. "So, kindly shut it, unless whatever you interrupted us for is important. If it's stupid, I'm going to be very upset with you."

For a moment, he debated whether he wanted to say anything else. Deciding it was best to not answer the question, he pretended whatever he had been intending to say had slipped his mind. "So, how was it?" he asked instead. I glared at him, not believing he would even ask me that. "Was it moist? When I kissed her, it was moist."

My stomach lurched angrily. "Shove off!" I shouted, and I threw a pillow at his face. "I will not hesitate to kill you, Sirius Black."

He shut up for all of two minutes before bombarding me with a million more questions, each more inappropriate than the last. I knew nothing I said would get him to stop, so I didn't say anything. He would tire himself out eventually so I ignored him and tried to finish the homework Allie and I had started.

Of course, when James and Peter came back up to the dorm, Sirius gave a dramatic retelling of my humiliation. James laughed hysterically, and Peter just gave me a sorry sort of smile. He had tried to give Allie and me our privacy, so I didn't have to be angry with him. I didn't have to be angry with any of them, really. They were happy for me and were merely expressing their joy the only way they know how: mockingly. And now all I have to say is that the constant tormenting and lewd comments I will have to endure for the next few weeks will definitely be worth it.

* * *

Tonks hadn't understood everything mentioned in the journal entry, but getting this middle information was starting to pay off. It was satisfying, reading about how all the little moments took place. It would make the big moment when she eventually found it at the end all the more meaningful.

Reading further, Tonks found that it had taken Allison nearly four months to properly end things with Derek. After that happened, however, Remus and Allison were quite happy. Remus wrote slightly less often, probably choosing to spend his evenings with his new girlfriend rather than an old journal. They seemed inseparable and, if she was honest, almost a little boring. Not bored, not with each other, but boring for everyone else who had to witness them together. Tonks wasn't sure if this upset her because she thought that Remus deserved better than 'boring,' or if she was upset because she never had any sort of easiness in her own relationship with Remus. Possibly it was both.

Only a few other entries caught her attention after that. Some of them were fun stories about the Marauders and their antics, and others were the entries where Remus and Allison weren't ridiculously in love with each other. She felt guilty enjoying reading about their fights, small and infrequent as they were, but it made her realize that maybe Allison had been real after all, that this other woman really did have a massive impact on her husband's life. It made her realize she didn't know Remus as well as she thought. It was an upsetting truth, one that did little to quell Tonks' anxieties when she saw how much they really did love each other.

One entry in particular, she had to stop and read all the way through. It wasn't about Allison, but it was about something she had wanted to know, one of her many questions she never really got an answer to from Remus. It was a recounting of The Prank, the one that Snape couldn't seem to shut up about when the traitor had been a part of the Order meetings. Once she realized what she was reading based on the few words she glimpsed, Tonks hurriedly shuffled the pages back.

* * *

**(Thursday April 15, 1976) – One Day After**

When I woke up this morning, my head felt murky. Blood was painfully pulsing in my ears, and I could barely remember that I was in the Hospital Wing. My head hadn't hurt that much since the beginning of the year, since before my friends had joined me on the full moons, and I wasn't expecting to ever experience the pain again. I quickly squeezed my eyes shut again and pressed on my temples, trying futilely to subdue the headache. Something must have happened the night before. Something bad. I wished I could remember, but everything was a blur. I groaned loudly and fell back to my bed, hoping the nurse would come over to check on me. Maybe she knew what had happened.

"He looks terrible." I heard someone mumble and I tried to open my eyes. No one ever visited me so early, and no one had been in the Hospital Wing when Madam Pomfrey brought me in earlier. There shouldn't have been anyone around.

"Well, how do you think _you_ would look?" another voice snapped, sounding furious.

I could place who the speakers were, then, and I forced my eyes open. James and Sirius were each sitting on a chair beside my bed, and I couldn't help noticing the terrible expressions on their faces. "What are you guys doing here?" I wanted to know, trying to sit upright. That was a mistake, so I fell back onto my pillow. "Aren't you supposed to be in class?" I managed to squint at them, noticing Peter wasn't sitting there too. If they were visiting me, and Peter wasn't there, and my head was throbbing like something terrible had happened… I bolted upright again, looking wildly around at the other hospital beds. "Where's Peter?"

"Pete's in class. He's fine," James assured, understanding my fear. His had been the angry voice, and his eyes were dark. "We thought someone should stay in class and take notes." I could tell he wanted to say more, but he shot a look out of the corner of his eye to Sirius, obviously indicating that Sirius was the one who needed to speak.

There was a long pause. Sirius just stared back at James, pleading, not wanting to be the one to talk. James didn't falter, and Sirius grimaced. "Dumbledore thought it would be best if James and I explained what happened last night," he admitted. "It's part of our punishment." His voice was hoarse and he wouldn't look me in the eye. He kept glancing longingly towards the door, as if he wanted to be anywhere besides the Hospital Wing.

James shook his head. "Padfoot, _you_ did this, not me," he said, still angrily. He was speaking through a tightly clenched jaw and his words came out measured. "I'm only here because I had to save your bleeding arse. Tell. Remus. What. You. Did."

I looked between the two of them, confused. "You guys didn't come last night, did you?" I realized, wishing my head would stop hurting.

"There were… extenuating circumstances," James resigned, looking at me. As angry as he was, there was a hint of empathy in his tone and his eyes softened. He pushed up his glasses. "We're lucky we weren't expelled. Other people are lucky to be alive." He gave another meaningful look to Sirius, who was staring at his feet.

"What happened?" I demanded.

Sirius choked, and only then did I realize he was crying. Tears were streaking down his cheeks and his eyes were swollen and red. His mouth was in a thin line and I had never seen him looking so miserable. "I am so sorry, Remus," he moaned. James looked the other way; to give Sirius privacy or because he was annoyed, I wasn't sure. "I didn't think anything would happen. It's just, when Snape said… I wasn't thinking about how it would affect you. It wasn't supposed to—I really didn't mean—" Sirius couldn't come up with the right words. He kept starting sentences he couldn't, or didn't want to finish. "Snape knows," he finally decided to say.

I felt the color draining from my already sallow skin. "Knows what?" I questioned, hoping beyond hope it wasn't what I thought it was. "Not—not that I'm…" I couldn't bring myself to say what I feared, but Sirius understood. He nodded mournfully and finally looked up at me.

"He saw you," Sirius said, hiccupping. "Last night. He saw you in the shack and he's only still alive because James pulled him out of the way."

The only thing running through my mind in that moment was the image of Snape's sneering face among his horrible friends, laughing at me while Dumbledore told me to pack my bags. I never had a reason to hate Severus before that moment, but if he knew, and if he told even one person, I would be expelled from Hogwarts. Parents wouldn't want their kids going to school with a werewolf, and Dumbledore would have no choice but to send me home. "Why was Snape in the shack?" I had to know, trying to keep my face stony.

"Because I sent him there," Sirius said. I could barely hear him, and he wiped his nose on his sleeve. "I'd just gotten so _sick_ of his nosing. I thought that—that maybe if he got hurt or—or got caught outside the school—" He hiccupped. "I mean, he can't sneak out as easily as we can. I thought that he would stop." Sirius wasn't crying anymore, not with tears, but he had to take several breaths before he could continue, almost like he was hyperventilating. James gave him a little nod, urging him to go on. "Snape found me in the halls last night. He said he would follow me if I didn't tell him where I was going, and he told me he knew we all snuck off to the willow. I'd had enough, so I told him—told him to check out the willow for himself if he was so bloody curious. I thought it would scare him if—if he saw you—he would leave it alone. If he had to face a—a werewolf, he wouldn't dare—"

It was a struggle for me to remain calm. Snape knew. Sirius had practically told the git himself. I was going to be expelled for sure. That was what they were there to tell me.

James could see Sirius was having a hard time, so he picked up the story. "Peter and I found Sirius a few minutes after that. Sirius told me what he'd said. 'Snape is really in for it this time.' Then he laughed about how Snape would get caught just trying to get to the shack. Sirius hadn't thought it through at all. He never does. If Snape got anywhere near you, Moony, he was dead. Even if it was only Snivellus, I couldn't let him see you. Or let you rip him to shreds. You don't need that. So, there was a lot of cursing and shouting and trying to convince Sirius that he had been so utterly _stupid_, but then I couldn't think about it anymore. No one else knew where Snape was, so I had to go for it. I ran to the willow and forced Snape out. He didn't get hurt, but he'd seen you. He knew. And I'm so glad Pete went to get Dumbledore because I was seriously regretting saving Snape's life by the time Dumbledore showed up. I mean, Snivellus wouldn't _shut up_ about how he was going to tell everyone, and I was really thinking about killing him myself. If Dumbledore hadn't been there, I probably would have."

James paused to glance up at Sirius. "You're supposed to be telling him all this," James pointed out. "I can't tell the whole story just because you can't hold yourself together."

Sirius nodded slowly. "Dumbledore found me after and took us up to his office," he went on. "Except Pete. He let Pete go back to the dorm. I thought he'd make us confess about our animagus forms, but Dumbledore didn't care about why we were out of the castle, or even how any of us knew you were in the shack, Moony. All he cared about was keeping it quiet. He swore Snape to secrecy—James and I had to swear, too. Then James got commended for his bravery and Dumbledore let him go before he dealt with me. Snape stayed. The git wanted to see me punished." Sirius scowled his hatred at the memory. "Dumbledore couldn't take away enough house points without everyone wondering why, but I have detention every Saturday for the rest of the year, and I'm not allowed on Hogsmeade trips anymore. Not sure how long that's supposed to last—maybe until graduation. Then Snape left, and Dumbledore said I had to be the one to tell you what happened. He said James could help if he wanted, and I—well—thank you, James, for coming with me. I don't think I could have told him alone."

"Someone had to make sure you told it right," James muttered, crossing his arms. He was still frowning, but he didn't sound quite so angry. "You might've lied and said Snape did it all on his own. And Remus has every right to get mad at you."

Sirius glanced at me, as if he had just realized I could be angry with him over this. His eyes were welling up again. "I know you don't have any reason to forgive me, but—Please!" Before I could say anything in return, Sirius was out of his chair and had thrown himself at me, wrapping his arms forcefully around my shoulders. He wouldn't let go and he was crying all over my nightshirt.

I ignored the pain his exuberance caused. "Only Snape found out?" I wondered slowly, trying to make sense of everything they had just told me. I felt Sirius nod into my shoulder. "I didn't hurt anyone?" He shook his head. "And no one's been expelled? Not you, or me, or James, or Snape?"

Sirius pulled back and gave me a hard look. "How could _you_ have been expelled?" he asked, horrified. "I'm the one that messed up."

I just stared back at him, baffled as to how he could believe I would remain at school if things had gone differently. James was right. Sirius had not considered the consequences for anyone besides Snape, and I wanted the willpower to actually get mad at him. "If everyone found out I was a werewolf, I wouldn't be allowed to go to Hogwarts anymore," I explained harshly. "Think about it, Sirius. How would parents react if they found out their kids were sleeping in the same room as a werewolf? What would someone like your mother do? Or even Pete's mum? I'd be sent home in a heartbeat."

Sirius' face fell and he wheeled around to James. "God, Prongs, could I have made a bigger mess of this?" He dragged his fingers down his face.

"The only way it could have been stupider is if you hadn't told me about what you said to Snape," James replied, none too kindly. "Otherwise, last night was about the stupidest night of your existence."

"Thanks for the assurance, mate." With a weak frown, Sirius glanced back at me. He looked scared. "How can you not be angry with me, Remus?"

"Sirius, right now I'm just happy I'm still allowed at school," I assured. I was looking at my bandaged right hand instead of him, not wanting him to see the lie in my eyes. "I'm upset, yes, but I'm not angry. I'll… get over it once I know Snape really hasn't told anybody."

At these words, Sirius gave me another enormous hug. "I don't deserve friends like you guys," he cried, meaning James too. "I'm horrible. You should have me disowned."

"I thought about it, Padfoot. I thought about it." James stepped over and halfheartedly joined the hug. "You're lucky. If anyone had been hurt, I doubt you'd be off the hook as easily."

A moment later, Madam Pomfrey emerged from her office and gave a little sound of disapproval at my friends' behavior. "Potter, Black, I know you're worried about Mr. Lupin, but stop trying to smother him and get back to class," she instructed, coming over to check my bandages. "He is well taken care of and needs his rest."

"Yes, nurse," they said together, quickly finding the door. "We're going."

"Thank you, boys," the nurse said pertly. She's never been fond of their visits. Once they realized I appreciated their humor when ill, they went with it. James usually spends the entire day stealing all the spare pillows to build a 'healing fortress' around my bed. On several separate occasions, Sirius has brought varying amounts of scented candles in order to hold vigil until I 'gently wander into the great beyond.' I've always found it amusing, but Madam Pomfrey always complained that it wasn't creating the proper healing environment.

"Wait, guys?" I called as the nurse fumbled with my arm. They gave me curious looks, each with a hand on the door. "Tell Allie to come by on her free period. I really want to see her."

They both nodded in understanding and shut the Hospital Wing doors behind them. The nurse gave me a smile. "It's always nice when you have visitors," Madam Pomfrey said. "Even if they were skipping class."

"Yeah," I mumbled, still dwelling on why they had been visiting. I felt drained, more so than usual, and I wished I was allowed to be upset. The one person who was determined to let my secret out now had proof I wasn't normal. Snape saw me. It was Sirius' fault, but I couldn't even be angry. I couldn't be frustrated. I would have to forsake the few friends I had just to think about being angry with Sirius. If I got mad and decided to cut Sirius from my life, James would stick by him no matter what, and Peter would do whatever James did. It wasn't worth it, so I pushed the anger away, hoping it would stay wherever all of my other anger disappeared to.

It was a relief when Allie finally showed up. She rushed into the room, looking scared and breathless. I let her fuss over me for a moment before bringing her closer and kissing her, a little desperately, on the mouth. She was confused when she pulled back and she stroked my cheek in a questioning way, wondering what was wrong.

"Puppy, are you okay?" she asked. "Sirius seemed really upset when he said you wanted to see me. What's happened? How badly are you hurt?"

I shook my head. "Snape knows," I said, getting to the point. I felt hopelessly empty again and leaned into her shoulder. "He saw me last night—transformed. James had to pull him out of the way before I could attack him. They told Dumbledore, and he's sworn Snape to secrecy but…"

Allie's hand went to her mouth. "Oh my… Did someone tell or… Why was he there?"

I closed my eyes. "Sirius told him where to go," I explained as she made room for herself with me on the bed. "He wanted Snape to get in trouble, or hurt." As I put my arms around her, I could smell her blackberry shampoo, and it managed to calm me down. "The worst part is I can't even be mad at them. I should be furious, but they're my friends. I know they didn't mean it to go so far, but Snape's lucky to be alive. And I'm lucky I'm not on my way home right now." My eyes were stinging with held back frustrations, and I decided I didn't have to hold it in anymore. The guys weren't there to see my tears, and I could cry in front of Allie.

Allie gently grabbed my face and turned it to hers, holding my gaze. "Remus, listen to me," she said carefully. She wiped at my cheek with her thumb. "You did not hurt anyone. Your friends would not let you hurt anyone. Not even Severus Snape, the person they hate more than anyone else in the world. I know they care about you, Remus. Even if Sirius is incredibly thick sometimes, and maybe he caused the problem, but they were still willing to do whatever it took to fix it. They told Dumbledore. And Dumbledore won't let this get out of hand. You'll be fine."

I stared at her for a long moment, thanking whatever higher power was responsible for sending her to me, and then I pulled her close again, kissing the top of her hair. "Why are you so amazing?"

"I'm not amazing," she replied. "I'm just rational. You're rational, too, but sometimes it gets confusing to think about these things alone."

I shook my head. "No. You really are amazing," I said. "I don't know what I would do if you weren't in my life, Allie." I kissed her again, and it was a slow, lingering kiss. It was a kiss that promised more, and it probably would have led to more had I not been in the Hospital Wing covered in bandages.

The kiss only stopped when the nurse poked her head out of her office. Madam Pomfrey gave a little squeak, startling us apart. "Oh, don't mind me," the nurse bustled, pretending like she hadn't been checking on me. It was odd that she didn't reprimand us, but Madam Pomfrey doesn't mind when Allie visits. She generally leaves the two of us alone. "I just needed to get this… pillow." Madam Pomfrey hastily grabbed the first pillow she saw on one of the empty beds and retreated to her office, making an apologetic gesture before she shut the door.

I laughed at the nurse and made myself comfortable on the bed, Allie lying contentedly in the crook of my arm. We stayed together on that hospital bed for a long while, so long that Allie missed her double Charms lesson and her History of Magic class. I hope Peter took accurate notes, or that James and Sirius stopped worrying about me long enough to actually listen to our teachers, because I have no idea how I'll get the information from class otherwise.


	2. Chapter 2

******A few words from Aquira: So, this ended up way longer than I thought it was going to be. And then I was really unhappy with the way the ending turned out, so I had to rewrite it. Still not completely satisfied, and I really should edit this beast one last time, but I'm tired, and I think y'all have waited long enough. I hope you're happy with the ending, and I still plan on updating the regular story with new entries and a more complete Tonks story, so don't bail on me just yet. Let me know what you think of the ending, and I guess I'll see you around!

* * *

Now that the Remus and Allison in the diary were together, it was easier for Tonks to discern which entries she could skip. She was looking for something specific now, the part of the story where they break up, and she could gloss over several months at a time hunting for any telltale signs of unhappiness. She didn't find the end of Remus' romance, but she did catch some new details through her skimming. Sirius started dating Allison's friend Rachel, a tumultuous affair at best, a train wreck at worst. They broke up at least once every school year, and Tonks couldn't tell if either of them actually liked the other, or if it was some sort of addiction they just couldn't break. Whatever it was, it didn't seem healthy.

Occasionally there were pages with nothing but notes and scribbles about spells and various locations around the school. She found new handwriting on these pages, signed with either 'W,' 'P,' or 'PF,' and she could only assume the new scribes were Peter, James, and Sirius. The notes didn't make much sense, but they seemed to be trying to track something on a map of the castle and were using Remus' journal to record their progress. It was confusing, so Tonks didn't dwell on understanding their reasoning.

Then bits of the oncoming war began seeping into nearly every entry after Remus' fifth year. Talks of political unrest, muggle murders, and suspicious behavior from fellow students had everyone on edge. Finally she found when Dumbledore recruited them all. It was just after graduation, and the headmaster's first candidate had been a despondent Sirius, who was lacking purpose in life after probably his tenth break up with Rachel. James received his own invitation to join the Order just a bit later, having been recognized for his marked maturity increase and strong leadership qualities. The two didn't try to recruit their friends, but they were proud of what they imagined they would accomplish as members of the Order and they talked about it often. In this way Peter decided he wanted to join as well, and he asked James to talk to Dumbledore for him.

Remus was the only hold out. While Dumbledore made him an offer, too, he had a lot of conflicting emotions about what his future would entail. On the one hand, he had always wanted to help people, to teach things and inspire learning, to research new ideas and find things that had never been found before. Joining the Order would help people, sure, but in a way he had never understood the same way James or Sirius had. They were brave and chivalrous, where Remus was timid and book-like. Fighting and cunning spywork were not in Remus' repertoire. Then again, he had to consider his actual options. There wasn't much work for a werewolf in academic fields, or any fields, and he would be useful to the Order. Plus, he was living with Allison, who was still being supported by her parents while she went through medic training, and they could afford for him to start out in a small, part-time position.

In the end, Remus took the offer, but chose not to enlist in pre-Auror training like the other three. He instead found paying work as a research assistant at the Ministry, and he did not tell Allison about his decision. In the journal he claimed it was to ensure she didn't get distracted her from her studies. Unfortunately, that became a problem when Dumbledore gave him his first assignment: go undercover and find out what the werewolves were planning. It would mean leaving for up to six months, and Remus had no choice but to tell Allison about his involvement.

Tonks thought that maybe she had finally found their big break up. Remus had lied to Allison, risked his life without even telling her what he was doing, and forced her to sit on the sidelines while people she cared about were dying all under the pretense that he knew what was best for her. From what she had gathered about Allison, that was not something the girl was going to accept lightly. After eight years together, as friends and lovers, this fight was going to be catastrophic. Tonks began to read a little slower.

* * *

**(Friday April 20, 1979) – Eight Days After**

I leave at the end of the month, and I couldn't put it off any longer. I had to tell Allie. She deserved to know much sooner than two weeks before my departure, but of course I was afraid and irrational and stupid. It's my fault the conversation was so uncomfortable.

I decided to tell her when she was done with her classes for the week. She's always a bit more agreeable when she doesn't have to worry about seeing vomit or pustules for a few days and can relax by the fire with tea and a book. Exploiting that was the only chance I had of coming out of this somewhat unscathed.

She came home later than usual, scowling and throwing her books on the table in a temper. "Today was hands-on, right?" she began without any preamble. She let down her sweaty hair from its ponytail and flopped down next to me on the couch. "So I was asking one of the patients to describe the pain in his arm, when it originated, that sort of thing. He answered, but kept saying, 'Take it out, take it out!' and I asked him what he meant and he held up his arm and then the lump on his elbow exploded. His arm exploded. Just blew up in my face!"

"Exploded?" I asked. A bad day at school did not bode well for me. I briefly considered putting off telling her again, waiting until she was in a better mood, but I knew it would just lead to more procrastinating. I wouldn't end up telling her until after I got back at that rate.

"Exploded," she repeated balefully. "The head healer said it was some parasite that lives on gurdyroots. It burrowed in his arm and the foolish man didn't come in until the massive lump started hurting. He didn't think it was a problem if it didn't hurt. Then it was somehow my fault because I thought it was just a regular growth. I got lectured in fromt of everybody."

I gave her my best sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry your day was so horrible," I said.

Allie smiled too and gave me a swift kiss on the mouth. "I'm going to shower," she said. "Maybe I'll feel better after that."

While she headed for the bathroom, I went into the kitchen to put a kettle on. I found her favorite mint tea in her tea basket and prepared the mug with two spoonfuls of honey. By the time the water was off and Allie had dressed again, the kettle was boiling and I had a fire going in the hearth. I hoped it would be enough to calm her down.

She took the mug from me and sat down on the floor by the fire. Her hair was still a bit wet and a few strands were dripping on her shirt. I sat down next to her and placed my hand over hers. "Better?" I asked.

The corners of her mouth perked up. "Better," she said.

For a moment the only sound in the room was the crackle of the fire. I didn't want to disturb the calm that had come over her face, but it would be so much worse if I waited. "I need to talk to you about something," I said.

Allie glanced at me. "Okay." She sounded confused.

I hesitated, not sure how to begin. Finally I decided I needed to just say it and I cleared my throat. "Have I told you what Sirius and the others have been doing? Working for Dumbledore and all that?"

"You said something about Auror training," she replied. "You said they were trying to fight against the Death Eater threat I keep reading about in the Prophet. Why, has something happened? Have they actually managed to do something?"

"They've managed a lot, actually," I said. "Really making progress. And…"

Hearing my tone, her small smile fell and she raised an eyebrow to me. "You joined them, didn't you?" she asked suspiciously. "That's why you're always so busy lately even though the research work is wrapping up."

Of course she had been able to guess. She knew me far too well. I nodded and then I gave a heavy sigh. "I joined them about a month after we graduated Hogwarts."

She placed her mug of tea on the ground so she could stare at me unencumbered. Her blue eyes were hard and daring. "Excuse me, you joined when?" Allie asked.

"I think you heard me perfectly well," I mumbled.

"I'm sure I did, but I was giving you the opportunity to change your answer," she said, her tone warningly sweet. "I don't know how I would take it if I learned you'd been lying to me for a year."

I glanced over to the fire, not able to meet her eyes. "It's only been nine months."

"Okay, _almost_ a year, then," she said. "Remus, why would you keep something like this from me?"

I was glad I wasn't looking at her. I could just imagine the disappointed expression on her face. "I didn't know how to tell you," I said. "Then when I realized I really ought to mention it, I felt like I had waited to long to bring it up. I'm sorry."

Allie placed her hand on my chin and turned my face towards hers. She didn't look angry or even disappointed. She looked worried. "So why are you mentioning it now?" she wanted to know. "This isn't just a guilty conscience. Something's happened. Otherwise you would have kept quiet."

Sometimes she was too clever for her own good. Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to keep looking at her as I spoke. "Dumbledore needs me to spy on a werewolf community," I told her. "He needs information on their plans, and he thinks some of the packs might be swayed over to our cause if the right things are said. I agreed to go."

Allie dropped her hand, the worry on her face morphing into fright. "When do you leave?"

"At the end of the month," I said.

Her eyes narrowed. "That's not a lot of time to prepare," she noted. "How long have you known about this mission?"

I swallowed. This would be the real problem. "Nearly three months."

"Three months?" Allie cried. "And you weren't going to tell me?"

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, feeling helpless. This was going about as well as I had anticipated. "I'm telling you now," I tried.

She scoffed. "Yeah, two weeks before you leave," she said. I could see the hurt behind the anger on her face, and I hated knowing I had caused it. "I'm not an afterthought, Remus. You should have told me when you joined the Order."

"I know," I said, wishing I was slightly better at handling arguments. My usual strategy, to lie down and be kicked, would not work in this situation. I had to tell my side, and I didn't want to leave if she was angry. I went on, "The thing is, I couldn't let you risk it. If I had told you what I was doing, you would have wanted to join the Order, too. I wanted you to be safe from all this. I wanted to protect you."

"I can't protect myself?" Allie asked.

I shook my head. "I never said that. Don't put words in my mouth."

"Then what?" she demanded. Her voice caught slightly in her throat, like she was holding back tears. "Why would you keep this from me?"

"Because I need you to be here when I get back," I told her, looking right into her eyes. "I need to know you're safe and able to help anybody who is reckless enough to fight with me. I need you, Allie, and I knew you'd want to fight too if you had the chance."

"Of course I would," she shot back. "I still might. You'll be gone. What's to stop me from joining the Order?"

"Don't be like this," I said. "Don't be foolish because you're mad at me."

Her lips pressed together and I knew I had said the wrong thing. "I wouldn't do it because I'm mad at you, Remus," she said. "I would do it because it's the right thing to do." Tears welled in her eyes and she turned to the fire. "I can't believe you kept this from me for so long. All the times I wished there was anything I could do to help, and you had an opportunity! I could do so much for the Order."

I wanted to reach out to her, to touch her and comfort her, but I held myself back. "You could help so much more if you got your Medic License," I said instead. "Healing is necessary in times like these. The hospitals need more competent healers, and you'll be a great one. You wouldn't be fighting, and you'd still be doing more important work than me."

"You're just saying this so I won't want to fight with the Order," she argued.

"Of course I am, Allie." I took her hand and she turned back to me, her eyes watery and sad. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to the part in her hair. "I'd say anything to keep you alive. I want us to get married and have long happy lives and that's so much more likely if you stick to healing."

Allie pulled back from me, just enough to meet my gaze. "Did you just say 'married?'"

I paused, realizing that I had. Though I hadn't meant to say it then, I nodded and tried to smile. "Yes," I told her, kissing her forhead again. "I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I want to prove to everyone else that I feel that way. I want to be with you for as long as you want to be with me, and I want to marry you."

"You've never mentioned this before," she said, her eyes still watery as she smiled.

I grinned and said, "I always thought it was a given. Should I ask properly?"

"You won't know my answer until you do," was her reply.

We were already on the ground, so I shifted until I was on one knee. Feeling giddy and nervous and more than a little awkward all at once, I took her left hand in both of mine. Allie tried not to smile and I tried to keep my voice from shaking. "Will you marry me?"

She let out a long, steady breath. "Yes."

I pulled her close and kissed her deeply on the mouth. I could feel her smiling lips and renewed the kiss, chuckling slightly at how drastically different the situation had ended. When our lips parted, I continued to hold her, my hands on her back and my forhead against hers. "I love you, Allie," I said. "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about this sooner."

She knew what I meant. "It's okay. You were worried. Everyone is, these days. Just promise you'll talk to me next time."

I nodded. "No more secrets," I said.

"Especially now that we're getting married," she added.

"I have a ring, you know," I told her, straightening to look at her. "That wasn't just a slip of the tongue or anything. I've been planning to ask you for months now."

Allie's smile widened. "I get a ring?"

In response, I drew her up to her feet and led her by the hand to our bedroom. She had a dubious look on her face as I stepped over to the nightstand on my side of the bed and opened the drawer. I took out the cigar box with the false bottom, opened the hidden compartment, and removed the silver chain that held the ring. Allie held out a hand and caught the locket as I dropped it into her palm.

"This was your mother's," she said, examining the ring. "I've seen her wearing it."

"And before that it belonged to my grandmother," I said. "She gave it to my father to give to his wife. Maybe you could give it to our son, if he ever exists."

Still staring at the ring, she grinned. "Does that mean you changed your mind about children?" she wondered.

I stepped closer to her, shaking my head. "No, but if I ever do, and if we ever have a son, and if he ever wants to get married, you can give him the ring," I said, and grasped her hands. "Until then, it's yours."

Allie got on her toes and kissed me. "It's wonderful," she said. Then she held up the ring on the chain. "Why the locket, though?"

I took it from her and opened the oval locket, showing her what was inside. There was a picture of us on the right side, me kissing her cheek while she pulled a face, and on the left it was engraved with, 'I will be with you always. Love, Remus.' As I opened the clasp to latch it around her neck, I said, "You can wear the ring on it's own, but I got you the locket so you could bring it with you to school or work. I wanted you to have a way to carry it with you."

After another lingering kiss, we went back out to the living room, where the fire was still burning. We sat down in the same spot where we had been arguing, this time holding hands. The conversation hadn't gone so horribly after all.

I'm going to marry her.

* * *

That had not ended the way Tonks anticipated. Not a fight. An understanding and then an engagement. _How very like them_, she thought. _How very unlike it ever was with him and me._ She twisted the wedding ring she still wore around her finger, unwillingly comparing this proposal with her own. Hers had been admittedly more romantic. Remus made dinner and after they had enjoyed a sensual evening together. In bed, he slipped the ring on her finger and asked her when she wanted to get married, already knowing she would say yes. His proposal to Allison was so incredibly different and—

Her thoughts broke off as she realized something. She knew that necklace. The locket he had given to Allison was as familiar to Tonks as Remus himself. _He_ wore that necklace, that locket and ring, always. She had assumed it belonged to his mother, because that's what Remus told her, and she never once considered it might have belonged to another woman.

How could she have been so foolish? This entire time Tonks had considered only one theory about what had happened to Allison to make her vanish from Remus' life. Tonks thought their relationship must have hit a bump in the road, causing them to reluctantly part ways. She feared Allison left Remus dejected and pining for his first love, and that Remus had gone back to this old flame, left Tonks in order to rekindle what he had lost. Fear of losing him in that way had completely eclipsed any other rational thought. The obvious had been flashed in front of her face and she had failed to see it every time.

There was only one reason he would still wear her ring around his neck, only one reason that also explained why he never mentioned her despite such a profound connection. Tonks turned the page, flipping through his brief notes on his time with the wolf pack. Her mouth was a thin line just thinking about what she would find at the end.

* * *

**(Sunday August 13, 1979) – Five Days Before, Day Five**

When I returned from my mission, the first thing I realized was that the home I came back to was not the home I had left behind. Everything was dark. The flowers in the garden had gone neglected. The shutters were closed in the middle of the day. Something wasn't right. I didn't want to open the door to see what was wrong, but I had to.

Though my hands shook, I held my wand firmly in my right hand as I turned the knob. The door creaked open, revealing a dark entryway. I stopped to glance around and spotted a light on in the kitchen. My shoulders relaxed slightly, but I kept my guard up as I ventured down the hallway. There was a shuffling sound, and then the slam of a cupboard door. I silently rounded the corner and saw a male figure near the counter. Without thinking, I aimed my wand and wordlessly stunned the intruder.

The grunt that issued when the intruder collapsed was instantly recognizable, and I swore under my breath, rushing forward. "Sirius, you idiot," I mumbled as I revived him. He slowly came to and wearily focused his eyes on me.

"Jesus, Moony, what did you have to stun me for?" he complained, clumsily getting to his feet. He had cut his hair while I was away, and he looked older, or maybe just tired, but he was still Sirius. It felt great to see a familiar face.

"I thought you'd broken in to my house," I said quite calmly. I wasn't as sorry now that the initial panic of attacking a friend was gone.

He shrugged. "Technically I did break in to your house," he said. Sirius rubbed the spot where he hit his head. "But you didn't have to stun me."

"If you broke in to my house, then I'd say I did have to stun you," I reasoned. I stared at him. Something still wasn't right. Then it came to me and I looked around the room. "It's Sunday, isn't it? Allie should have the day off. Why didn't she let you in?"

Sirius frowned. "I don't know Allie's work schedule," he dismissed. "The house was dark when I got here, so I let myself in."

"She probably got called in," I supposed to myself, aimlessly wandering around the kitchen for a moment. Realizing I was walking in circles, I took a seat at the dining table. I looked back at Sirius, only half remembering that he was there. "It's rude to let yourself in to someone else's house, Sirius. You couldn't have waited until one of us was home?"

He fell into the chair next to mine. "I had to use the toilet."

"You're an idiot, Padfoot," I said. "What did you come over here for anyway?"

"Dumbledore said you'd be back today," he told. "I had to see you."

There was something off about his tone, and I should have paid attention to it, but I shook my head, brushing it off as Sirius pretending to be overly emotional about my return. "I don't mind. Allie's at work, I guess," I mumbled. "I'd probably be upset with you if she had been home. I haven't seen her in such a long time… You'd think she would turn down the hours since I was coming home today. It must have been an emergency."

"Yeah, emergency," Sirius repeated. He wasn't looking at me, and I suppose that should have been another sign. "So, Moony how was your mission? You seem to have survived."

I gave him a hard look. "I just spent the last three months with a pack of werewolves, Sirius," I countered. "I survived, but I wasn't successful."

"Didn't convince any of them, then?"

"A few," I said. "The pack leader is under a lot of influence from other packs. If we had met under different circumstances, we might not have been enemies. I think the few I managed to convince will continue what I started. Harrow isn't a fool. He might still come to his senses."

Sirius nodded in an approving sort of way, but he still wouldn't look at me. "Sounds like a success to me. Or at least the start of some change. You did a good job, Moony."

"Sure," I shrugged. "How have things been around here? Busy with the Order?"

That was when he looked at me. I will never forget that look. His eyes were so full of pity, yet his face was set against any betraying emotion. Sirius closed his eyes. "You know that I love you, right Remus?" he wondered quietly. "You have to know that."

This new insistent tone finally set off my alarms. Again I ignored it and smirked at him. "What foolish thing have you done now, Sirius?"

"Remus, shut up and listen to me," he said forcefully. His eyes were open again, but he was watching his fingers tap nervously on the table. "You have to know that I love you. You have to know I would do _anything_ for you. So would James and Lily. So would Peter."

I noticed he had forgotten to add Allie to that list. The empty house was starting to seem suspicious again. "Has something happened to Allie?" I heard myself ask. My voice sounded strange. I hadn't wanted to ask that question. I didn't want to hear the answer.

He grimaced at me. "While you were gone, she started working for the Order," Sirius confessed. "I know you didn't want her to join, but we needed the help. She offered, and Dumbledore agreed."

Annoyance boiled up in my stomach. "I didn't want her to join for a reason," I said. "She was supposed to work on her Medic license without risking her neck for Dumbledore every other day. Now she's gotten hurt, hasn't she?"

He nodded, but remained silent.

"Well, take me to Saint Mungo's, then," I insisted, jumping up from my chair. Sirius didn't move. Instead, he grabbed my arm and gently pulled me back into my seat. I watched his face expectantly, waiting for him to explain why we weren't rushing to the hospital, but he wasn't saying anything. "What is it, Sirius?"

It took a very long moment for him to speak. "We can't go see her, Remus," he said at last, his voice barely audible. "She's dead."

I was positive I had misheard him. "What?"

"We found her last week," he said. "She had been placed at the Ministry, doing a bit of secretarial work for a known Death Eater to gather information. He somehow found out what she was doing and maybe he killed her, or maybe he had someone else do it. We don't know. It took us two days to find the body because… She didn't show up for the meetings, so we all thought you'd come home early. We thought she was with you. Then Fabian came in with her body. He found her in an alley outside the Ministry."

The story had been told too quickly, to get all the painful parts out at once, and his voice had gradually grown more strangled as he spoke. I watched him as he started to cry over the tale of my fiancée's death, and I felt nothing, in every sense of the word. There was nothing in my head, nothing in my heart. A numbness gradually overcame me, and I sat frozen across from my weeping friend, trying with every paralyzed part of me to feel as strongly as he felt.

At last Sirius managed to compose himself and he stared at me, realizing I hadn't moved at all. Quickly he stood, and he was by my side in an instant. I could sense that his hand was on my shoulder, but I couldn't feel it. "Remus, you're in shock," he said. I tried to concentrate on his voice. It was still nasal from his crying, and I was hearing it distantly, as if he were in another room. "You need to stay with me. I'm right here. Right here. Are you with me? Remus?"

His face swam into my vision and I blinked. The paralyzation vanished, and a hollowness took its place deep in my heart. It felt like a massive piece had been torn away and surely my heart could not keep beating without such a crucial part of its functionality. Yet it continued on, pounding again and again, echoing in the empty space as if futilely trying to fill the void this horrible news had created. It hurt. My chest was going to collapse in on itself, fall into the black hole that seemed to be growing there. I couldn't speak for the intensity of it all, so I nodded the slightest of nods to let Sirius know I understood his words.

"You're with me then?" he had to clarify, gripping my shoulder tighter. I nodded again, so he let me go and straightened. "Good. Because I have something else to tell you."

"What else could there possibly be?" I croaked miserably. My eyes were starting to sting. I couldn't remember to take air into my lungs. My heart gave another beat, and another wave of pain coursed through my veins.

"I'm the one that has to tell you this for a reason, Moony," Sirius said. "I was the last one to see Allie alive. It was the day before she died, I think, and she asked me to visit. She was excited about something, and she wanted to tell somebody."

"My last letter," I said suddenly, remembering. "From Allie. She said she had important news but she wanted to tell it to my face. I'll never know what it was." It was unsettling even to me how desperate my voice sounded.

Sirius nodded. "But she told me, Remus," he said carefully. "She was too excited to wait until you got home. It's unfair that I got to hear it from her, and I really hate to be the one to tell you. You didn't need to know this. But Dumbledore says I must. He says it's only right that you know everything."

I thought that whatever it was couldn't make the pain any worse. "Tell me, please."

He licked his lips nervously. "Allie was four months pregnant when she died. You were going to be a father."

I had been wrong. The pain was much worse than before. It wasn't so much that I had wanted a baby, but Allie had wanted children so badly that I would have undoubtedly conceded once we were married. She could have been a mother, and now she was gone. My stinging eyes welled and spilled over, and my upper body collapsed in a heap on the table. My body was shaking, I was sobbing loudly, and there was nothing but the echoing pain with every heartbeat. Suddenly Sirius' arms were around me, and I found myself crying into his shirt.

"The funeral is on Tuesday," he said, his hand firmly on my back. "I'll stay with you as long as you need tonight, but I'm coming back then to take you."

I managed to nod. It was exhausting, being in such agony. I don't think I've ever cried that hard or for that long in my entire life. Not when I was bitten, not after my first transformation, not when the Healer told me there was no cure for my lycanthropy… The pain was—still is—ineffable. It hasn't gone away, and I double it ever will.

The funeral will be difficult. In fact, it will be almost impossible to sit through, but I have to manage. I have to see her face again. Even if it be cold and peaceful in death, it will still be the face of Allison Nicole Bond, the face I have loved ever since I knew how to love. I cannot go on if I don't take this chance to say one last goodbye.

**(Sunday August 20, 1979) – Two Days After, Day Thirteen**

I am writing this a week after these events happened. At the time, I couldn't bring myself to live through it again, but I decided it would be best to reflect on what happened, to give it some sort of finality. It's cathartic, in a way, even though it hurts.

Sirius stayed the entire night after he told me about Allie. He didn't have to, and I didn't ask him to, but somehow he knew I needed him to. He let me talk the entire night—maybe he couldn't sleep either. He just listened to my stories as I remembered her, and occasionally he shared a memory of his own. I cried most of the night, and he didn't mind that either.

He left me the next day after forcing me to eat lunch. There were things he needed to help arrange, and there were duties still to be performed for the Order. A death didn't mean everyone got to stop what they were doing. It had to remain business as usual, only I couldn't manage it. I wandered around my house without really knowing what I was doing, straightening up Allie's things like she might come back to use them. A vague, rational part of me knew I would have to deal with her stuff at some point, to sort through what was hers and what I might still want, to simplify her life down to these items she had left behind, but I couldn't handle it then. Her belongings would have to stay in the house and torment me instead.

James came by on Monday with some food Lily had prepared. He made me eat one of the meals and stuck the remaining tupperware in the freezer for later. Apparently the Potters thought I wasn't capable of taking care of myself in my present condition. While accurate, I resented the fact that I couldn't even handle the simplest of tasks, like feeding myself. James stayed for a few hours, talking about anything he could think of that couldn't relate back to Allie. Eventually he ran out of topics and sat quietly with me while I tried and failed not to cry again.

When he left, I went to my bed and closed my eyes. I hadn't slept that first night, and the next night had been little better, but I told myself that maybe I would sleep this time. I must have dozed off because Sirius was waking me up some time in the late morning to get ready.

I objected, but eventually Sirius convinced me to put on a suit. The only nice suit I own is the one Allie's parents bought for me to wear at Erin's wedding, so trying to put it on for the funeral was a long and upsetting ordeal. Thankfully Sirius was kind enough to help me once I had given up and started sobbing in the bathroom.

Then, after we were both dressed, there was a point where I flat out refused to go. I couldn't stand the thought of seeing Allie's body, and I didn't want to face her family. Again Sirius came through for me and forced me into the car. He drove in silence, and I stared out the window, dreading what was to come.

The church in our wizarding village is small, so not many people can fit inside. This small church had to hold the remaining members of Allie's family, all of her friends from school and work, our old teachers, and every single member of the Order. When Sirius and I arrived, it was already packed. Miraculously, there was a seat for me right in the front row—with her family. It felt like I was intruding upon the Bonds' grief by sitting with them, and I glanced around the room, looking for some other place I could sit. I wished my own family was there, but I hadn't managed to break the news to my parents yet. I couldn't burden them with that information. They loved her just as much as I did.

Sirius noticed my hesitation. "You were her family too, Remus," he said, pointing up front. "You belong up in that front row with them, not back here with us."

When I looked back towards her family, Mitchell spotted me and beckoned me over. Sirius gave me a nod of encouragement as James and Lily stepped up behind him, also telling me to take that empty seat in the first row, and I hesitantly went over to join Allie's brother. He clapped me on the shoulder, looking at me long and hard with his red eyes. When he opened his mouth to speak, his jaw quivered and he dropped his hand to wipe at his wet cheeks. I didn't have to hear the words to know what he was trying to say.

Erin remained seated, holding tight onto Braxus' hand as she cried, but Richard and Silvia got to their feet. "I am so sorry, Remus," Silvia said, the top half of her face obscured by a black veiled hat. I could still see that her makeup was running under the veil. She grabbed my wrist with her cold hands and Richard bowed his head.

"No, I am sorry. She was your daughter…" I muttered. I wanted to say so much more, to apologize for taking her away from them, for taking that mission and not being there to protect her, for every moment her family wouldn't get to spend with her, but my vocal chords seemed to have stopped working.

Richard stared at me, his face pale and his eyes hard. "She was your wife," he told me. I couldn't bring myself to contradict him. Instead, I took my seat between Erin and Mitchell while Allie's parents sat back down on the other side of Braxus. The casket was in front of me then, with the lid open, and I looked away.

When the service started a few moments later, it felt as if everyone had been waiting to begin until I arrived. It made me wonder if the funeral would have been postponed if I had been delayed on my return home, and I wished they would have gone on without me. I could have lived my whole life without experiencing her funeral.

The initial speech was given, and then the official allowed time for anyone who wanted to speak. Braxus stood first, taking a sheet of parchment from Erin's shaky hands, and positioned himself behind the podium. "I am reading this on behalf of my wife, Erin Valery, Allison's sister," he began, and Erin gave a loud sob before covering her face in a handkerchief. "My sister was one of the best. It is unfair that she had to die so young, with such a long life ahead of her. She had such ambition. I remember when we were little, and Allie would carry on about how she was going to become a healer, and she would put bandages on Mitchell and the cat. She was well on her way to achieving that dream too, and her dream of having a family. She was going to marry her wonderful fiancé, Remus, and they were expecting their first child. Only this unfortunate tragedy could stop her from becoming the great medic, wife, and mother she was sure to be. I will miss my sister every day. She was an amazing presence in every life she met, and I don't think she will be forgotten."

Braxus stepped down and went back to his wife, kissing the back of her hand as he sat next to her. Erin cried harder as someone Allie worked with took the podium and gave a warm speech about her kindness. Then Rachel spoke for a while, not shedding a single tear, but she was incredibly pale and shaking. I glanced at Sirius while Rachel talked, and he was squinting at her like the sun was in his eyes, and then he looked at me. He gave a thumbs-up and a smile, hiding any hint of distress that might have been on his face. He was being strong for my sake.

A few other people I vaguely knew took turns speaking after that, one by one delivering heartbreak after heartbreak. Some cried while they reminisced, others laughed, but every one of them made me wish I was anywhere else. Even Dumbledore spoke briefly, saying that Allie died defending what was right and that he couldn't think of a nobler reason for such a tragedy. I couldn't look at him. It was Dumbledore, after all, who had placed her in harm's way when I had begged him not to, and I briefly indulged the resentful thought that he would sacrifice anything and anyone, so long as it suited his agenda. But I pushed that thought away, reminding myself he wouldn't have put her at risk if he didn't truly think she stood a chance.

Then Sirius stepped up. I had already told him I wasn't going to give a speech. I knew I wouldn't be able to get any words out if I was up in front of everyone. I hadn't thought listening to the other speeches would create that same pain, but Sirius has always been very passionate, and I didn't want to underestimate his sincerity. I looked at the casket again, to center myself, to remind myself of where I was and that I needed to remain composed.

"Allie was my friend, and she was one of the good ones," Sirius started. His eyes flicked to me, as if in apology for the anguish he was about to cause. "But that isn't how I will remember her, and that's because, of all the things Allie was, being my friend wasn't what made her special to me. She was special for an entirely different reason, and that reason has everything to do with her fiancé, Remus. I thought it was ridiculous at first, that one of my best friends would spend so much time with a silly girl. Naturally, I decided it would be funny to mess with her, so I dyed her hair blue, or pushed her into the lake, or made her fall out of a tree. It wasn't funny, but even back then, she loved Remus enough to put up with me. She stuck through that torture to stay with him, to become part of our group, and eventually it wasn't so ridiculous that Remus wanted to keep her around because the rest of us wanted her around too. I could see how Allie gave Remus confidence, and delight, and laughter, and I could see that Remus seemed so very _alive _whenever Allie was around. So I will not remember her as my friend, though I will always be thankful for my time with her. I will remember Allie for the way she influenced every life for the better, I will remember her unwarranted kindness, and I will remember her with Remus by her side, both of them happier than I ever saw them apart. I think if you can affect just one person like that, to truly make another person better because you existed, then you lived an amazing life."

He paused. Whether it was for dramatic effect or if he was truly done speaking, I didn't care. I knew I had to get out of the room. With everyone's attention still on Sirius, I bolted out the closest door, my eyes stinging. I felt every gaze my departure had attracted, and I ignored them. I had to breathe. Once I was free of the stifling air in the funeral room, I pressed my hands into my face and collapsed against the brick wall. It was supposedly freezing outside, but I didn't even notice. I was too busy trying not to hyperventilate.

Just a moment later there was a hand on my shoulder, and I pulled my hands away to look at James. He grimaced at the fraught expression on my face, and his words came out gently and measured. "I told him not to make a long speech like that," he said, with red eyes and blotchy cheeks like mine.

I was so grateful he was there, because I didn't know what I would have done by myself. My hand went to my hair, half pushing it out of my face and half pulling it out in frustration. "I know it was supposed to be a nice gesture," I said. "I'm not upset. I just… couldn't be in there anymore with everyone saying all of those things about her… It was too much."

James didn't respond for a long moment and I closed my eyes to lean exhaustedly against the wall again. At last I heard him speak, and I could sense the strain in his voice. "Remus, are you okay?" he asked. "I mean, shit, I know you're not okay. Of course you're not. What I'm trying to ask is… Can you deal with this? And if you can't, what do you need? I'm here for you."

"I need Allie, James," I admitted. "I don't know how I'll get by without her."

James was spared from having to answer by Mitchell opening the door. "I'm really sorry, Remus, but the service is nearly over. Dad wants you on the sympathy line after we're all dismissed."

I nodded, swallowing hard. James gave me a tight hug before I followed Mitchell back inside and took my seat. The official glanced my way as he said his final words, words that I didn't listen to, because I knew what would happen next. We were dismissed, and we were free to pass by the casket to say our goodbyes.

Her parents went first. Richard and Silvia could only manage to look at her face before they had to keep going. Erin, with Braxus' hand still firmly in her grasp, gently touched her sister's folded hands before pulling out the handkerchief to cry again. I couldn't see what Mitchell pulled out of his coat pocket, but he placed it in the casket with Allie and moved on. At last it was my turn, and I stepped forward. I saw her pale face before me, her perfect blue eyes closed. There was a daisy in her blonde hair, just behind her ear, and it must have been what Mitchell had given her from his pocket. I knew the official was waiting for me to move on before he dismissed the rest of the guests, but I couldn't move. Her lifeless form had paralyzed me, made me lose my breath, and all I could do was reach out and stroke her cheek.

My eyes were brimming with tears. I wanted so much in that moment. I wanted to say everything I would never get to say to her. I wanted to do everything I would never get to do with her. I glanced at her stomach, at the slight bump that gave away the baby that might have been ours, and I realized that even the things I had worried about, like children, and being poor, and living as outcasts, I wanted with all of my being. But mostly, I wanted those dead eyes to open, I wanted those cold hands to hold on to mine, and I wanted her lifeless body to wake up and walk with me out of the room. I knew, though, that all of those wants would have to go wanting. I had to walk out of that room alone, face all of her mourners alone, and somehow go on living alone. Knowing I was about to cry, I kissed her forehead, and moved along.

Her family was waiting for me down the hallway. They all hugged me in turn, and then we all stood near the wall as the rest of the guests began to file out. I felt strange at the end of the line, the last person our well-wishers would see. Each guest walked by, giving their condolences to Allie's parents, hugging her siblings, and saying how very sorry they were for me. Maybe I was being overly sensitive, but it felt like each person took extra care when speaking to me, like I would burst into tears if they said the wrong thing. I suppose I was the one who ran out of the room in the middle of the funeral.

When the last person had passed by with their kind words, the official approached us. "I have a few items," he said in a meek voice. "They belonged to Allison—the effects her body was found with. Some families choose to have the deceased buried with these things, but others would rather keep them. Sentiment, and such. I like to ask first, just to be sure." The official then pulled out a bag and opened it, allowing her parents to examine the contents.

Richard glanced over the items and turned to me. "Remus, do you want any of these things?" he asked.

I looked inside the bag. It contained her wand, a tie for her hair, a coin purse, the last letter I sent to her while I was on my mission, and the locket I had proposed with. With a lump in my throat, I reached for the bag and no one protested when I took it. They were watching me closely. I carefully removed each item, taking the locket and the letter for myself, and then I gave the wand to her parents, the hair tie to Erin, and the coin purse to Mitchell. "Something for each of us," I said, my voice oddly calm.

Each member of Allie's family smiled at me in their own subtle way, and Erin even stepped forward to kiss me on the cheek. Mitchell clapped me on the shoulder. Her mother grabbed my hands and squeezed while her father stared at me. "Don't make this the end, Remus," he said after a brief silence. "I will always consider you my son. If you ever need anything, anything at all, please call us. Just because our daughter is gone doesn't mean we don't want you in our family."

"Thank you, Richard," I said, though I wasn't entirely sure how I could be a part of their family without Allie. It might make it harder to move on, though I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to do that, either.

Her father shook my hand and then we parted ways. Allie's siblings said their goodbyes to me before leaving as well, and I was left standing alone in the middle of the hallway in a funeral home, clutching the letter and the locket. Feeling so very alone, I tucked the letter into my pocket and latched the locket around my neck, comforted by the cold metal against my chest.

Sirius found me there. He put an arm around my shoulder and led me out to the car. He didn't ask me how I was or if I needed to talk. He let me bury my grief as we drove to bury her, and I was thankful.

* * *

When she turned the page, Tonks found that the next entry was dated a month later. She had expected to find several lengthy entries about dealing with Allison's loss, trying to handle working for the Order knowing why she died, and Remus' attempts to move on with his life. Instead, she found four short sentences: _"Someone gave away Gideon's and Fabian's location. They're dead. Dumbledore thinks there is a spy in the Order, and maybe that spy was the one to give up Allie's cover. I have no idea who it could be, but I want to find out."_

Anything Remus wrote after that was in much the same vein. It was almost more upsetting to read these empty passages than it would have been to read about his pain, but Tonks kept going, hoping that his words would show some sign of improvement, give some hint that he was going to be okay. It didn't get any better, and he appeared to have written much less frequently as the months went on.

_"November 27, 1979 - James and Lily are going into hiding. Dumbledore said it's because Lily's pregnant, and that it is a matter of life and death, but he won't say anything more specific. They're using the Fidelius Charm to make sure Voldemort can't find them. Sirius is going to be Secret Keeper."_

_ "December 3, 1979 - I still haven't visited her grave. I want to. I can't. I did manage to tell my parents, though. They were so upset. I had to talk mum out of coming to stay with me."_

_ "January 5, 1980 - I talked to Sirius today. He isn't worried about being Secret Keeper. I'm not worried either. I'm fairly certain Sirius would let Voldemort kill him before he gave away James and Lily's location."_

_ "February 17, 1980 - It is very quiet at Order meetings now. Peter has been positioned, and Sirius is keeping a low profile to avoid being taken for questioning. I miss being able to talk to all of them when I need to."_

_ "March 21, 1980 - I tried to visit her grave today. It was the first time I tried since the funeral and I'm glad I went alone. I couldn't face it, and I left the graveyard before I got to her. Maybe mum should come to stay with me after all."_

_ "April 2, 1980 - I saw James and Lily today. They invited me over for dinner to see how I was managing things. I told them I was doing well. They're expecting a baby boy, which James is very happy about. I see them so infrequently now, and I was very grateful to see them today. I wish this stupid war wasn't happening so I could see everyone more often. I wish I could bring myself to visit her grave."_

_ "May 10, 1980 - It's nearly a month too late, but I made it to the graveyard to give her flowers for her birthday. It will be Sirius' birthday in a few days. He wants to celebrate, and he really wants James to sneak out. He thinks the Invisibility Cloak will work. I don't think it will, but I won't ruin their fun."_

_ "June 18, 1980 - I visited Allie again today. It still hurts."_

_ "June 29, 1980 - I can't imagine James and Lily coming out of hiding unless the war is over, and there isn't an end in sight. Sirius will have to stay hidden as well, and Peter and I will keep fighting. We will all keep fighting to the death, and I think that is what it will come to."_

_ "July 31, 1980 - Sirius wrote to tell me that Lily had the baby. It was a boy, like they were expecting. His name is Harry James Potter. I will have to visit soon so I can see him."_

_ "August 7, 1980 - It seems Allie is the only one I can talk to anymore. She can't answer, but I know she listens. It's been a year. It feels much longer than that."_

_ "November 20, 1980 - Order Update: Peter has been showing up less and less at meetings. Sirius is staying in hiding as well. More people have died than I want to think about. Dumbledore is thinking of sending me to another wolf pack and I honestly can't think of a reason why I shouldn't go."_

_ "December 18, 1980 - I've made my decision. At the start of the New Year, I will be joining another werewolf community. This time, I am only to spy on the plans they're making and report back. The packs are too far on the other side to be convinced they're wrong at this point."_

_ "January 1, 1981 - I left her flowers to say goodbye before I go. I hope this won't be the last time I am able to visit."_

_ "June 14, 1981 - It took six nearly six months, but I gathered all the information I could for Dumbledore through the wolf pack. He seemed satisfied, but told me I might have to go back if more information is required. I left the pack on good terms this time, so it won't be an issue should my only usefulness need to be exploited again."_

_ "July 31, 1981 - Today was Harry's birthday. Sirius wanted to visit James and Lily, but he got stuck writing reports, and Peter has been remarkably absent lately, so I went alone. Harry didn't seem to remember me, but I've only seen him twice before today. He's grown a lot."_

_ "August 7, 1981 - Two years. I've survived two years without Allie. Maybe I can make it through this after all. It is easier to visit her grave now, at least. Eventually, it should be easier to move on with my life. That's the theory, at least."_

_ "November 1, 1981 - I'm not sure how to write this. It just doesn't make sense. How can they be dead? I saw them only a month ago. Peter… James… Lily… And Sirius has been taken to Azkaban. After everything, Sirius sold James and Lily to Voldemort. They were killed, though I am told Harry survived. Somehow Peter figured out what Sirius was doing and went to fight him, but Sirius blew him up along with thirteen Muggles. How long has Sirius been a Death Eater? Was he a spy all along? Did he give up Gideon and Fabian? The others? Did he give up Allie?"_

_ "November 17, 1981 - I don't understand why Sirius betrayed them. I can't believe he is in Azkaban and I can't accept that so many are dead because of him. To accept any of it would mean accepting the end of who I am. It would mean the end of everything that mattered in my life. I really have nothing left now that the Order has disbanded. But… I still have Allie's grave. Even if everything else I cared about in this world is gone, I still have that little plot of dirt, that small headstone with her name on it, to prove she existed and loved me once. That grave, where she and the baby are forever buried, is the only reason I am still rooted to this earth. Nothing else matters to me. I don't think I matter to anything else. I'm not sure what I can possibly do with the rest of my life, but I do know one thing for sure: I am going to put flowers her grave, and maybe something better will happen."_

That was it. The last few pages were blank. After reading everything, Tonks wondered how it must have been for Sirius and the others during that last year before Peter betrayed them all. How do you deal with someone who completely seals himself off from emotion like Remus had? It couldn't have been easy to try and help someone heal when they didn't want to get better. Then Tonks realized she wasn't considering everything. To a fault, Remus had been able to master his grief, always burying it deep down and never dealing with it. The others probably never understood how far gone he was, never recognized that he wasn't better once he presented himself as "fine."

Then she realized another loose end that now made sense, like puzzle pieces falling into place. Sirius had thought Remus was the spy. That was something that always confused Tonks, considering the strong friendship between the two, but _this_ was why. After Allison had died, Remus must have taken a very short time to mourn before telling everyone that he was better. To someone as loyal as Sirius, Remus must have seemed heartless. Maybe the only conclusion he could make was that Remus had been corrupted, or maybe Sirius just didn't trust someone who could dismiss the death of an eight year relationship as easily as Remus pretended to.

Sadly, Tonks forced herself to close the diary, to pull herself out of her husband's thoughts. She knew Remus would be upset if he ever came home and found out she read it, but Tonks was glad she had. Not only did she understand James' and Lily's death better, but Remus' adamant reluctance to begin a relationship with her made sense too. It was never about his age, or his condition, or his money. Not entirely, at least. It was about Allison, and how Tonks would only provide a poor substitute for the girl he actually wanted. She knew she would never have learned the whole truth if she hadn't read the diary. Remus would have continued to hide this tragic memory of his lost lover, continued to be distant, continued to make Tonks believe she simply wasn't good enough for him.

Tonks wiped away new tears. She had never missed Remus more than in that moment. There were things she wanted to say to him now that she knew about his past, but he was still gone. He had been gone nearly a month already. No one at the Order had heard from him, and she didn't know who else to ask. He didn't have a home of his own anymore, and his parents were dead. As far as Tonks knew, Remus didn't have another place in the world he could have hidden.

Unless…

After scanning a few pages for the information she wanted, she put the diary back in her nightstand and Tonks got off the bed. If Remus had stopped caring about the entire world, she could only think of one place he would go. It broke her heart to think he would run to her, after nearly twenty years, but it was the best shot she had of finding him. Tonks pulled on her coat, closed her eyes, and spun around. Tonks felt the usual compressed sensation of Apparating, and when she opened her eyes again, she was standing just past the entrance to the small wizarding graveyard.

It was a small enough graveyard that she would have seen Remus, had he been there. He was nowhere, and Tonks licked her lips against the cold before stepping forward. It didn't take her long to find the grave she was looking for.

The headstone read: "Allison Nicole Bond—April 1960 to August 1979—She will always be loved by those who knew the kindness of her heart"

"Wotcher, Allie," Tonks mumbled to the wind. "You've caused me quite a lot of grief, and I didn't even know it. I suppose you were something special for him to keep you all to himself like he did. I just wish he would have told me about you. Maybe he couldn't. Maybe it was too painful. From what I read, you were… You were his life. You were everything to that man. And if he cares about me even half as much as he cared about you… then I might just stand a chance. You know, I never realized. That necklace he always wears… I thought it belonged to his mother, but it's you. He's carried you with him his entire life. He wore it on our wedding day. Now I'm not sure whether to be hurt or touched by the romanticism of it."

The grave was silent in response. Tonks rubbed her eyes. "Would you listen to me?" she said angrily. "I'm jealous of a dead woman! And the saddest thing is I think you're winning. He up and left me, but I'll be certain he took that necklace with him. Wherever he is, you're there too, no doubt about it. I suppose that's how you'd have wanted it. You loved him too. And you never had to convince him like I have. He's never wanted me, never believed he should be with me. Maybe that's because all he wanted was you. I can't be you. Well… I suppose I can… I mean, I could change my face to look like you, but it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be Allison Bond. I would still be plain old Nymphadora Tonks, and Nymphadora Tonks isn't good enough for Remus Lupin."

Her tears felt warm against the cold of the wind. She wiped at her cheek, and thought about going home. There wasn't anything for her at home. Just an empty bedroom and an overly concerned mother to avoid. Wrapping her arms tightly around herself, Tonks sank to the cold ground and stared at the gravestone. She had never known Allison, and still she felt that Allison had wronged her. The gravestone remained impassive, and Tonks kept staring.

Several hours later, right before Tonks had given up from the cold, she heard the gate open. She heard footsteps, and they stopped a short ways away. Tonks turned her head, just enough to see the newcomer. He had come after all.

"Dora," Remus breathed. Surprise was written all over his face. He was frozen in his shoes.

Tonks jumped up. Forgetting that he was upset with her, forgetting he had walked out on her, she threw her arms around him and wouldn't let go. "Remus!"

He wouldn't move, not even to hug her back. "How long have you been here, Dora?"

"A few hours, I suppose," she said, pulling away from him. Her shoulders fell when she saw the blank expression on his face, and she took a step back. "Are you angry?"

Remus shook his head slowly. His eyes were barely focused on her, and Tonks knew his thoughts were far from her. Then, suddenly, he blinked, and he actually looked at her. "You must be freezing," he said, taking off his coat. He held it out and draped it over her shoulders. "Here."

She hadn't been cold, but Tonks pulled the coat tighter. "I've missed you," she tried.

"Dora, what are you doing here?" Remus asked. His jaw was working furiously, the way it always did when he was frustrated. "How…?"

Tonks touched the front of Remus' shirt, daring to step closer. "I read your diary," Tonks confessed. "I found it under your pillow, and I had to read it. There were so many things you never told me. I had to know. I'm sorry if you're angry."

"I'm not angry," Remus said, but he made her release his shirt. "I didn't hide that diary very well, and I don't care that you found it. But there is a reason I never told you those things about me. They are part of my past, and I wanted to keep them in my past. I still have that diary to remind me, but…"

"But, nothing," Tonks argued. She drew him closer and roughly pulled down the collar of his shirt, revealing the hidden necklace. "You're still wearing the locket. And you've come to her grave. That's not keeping it in the past, Remus. That's carrying it with you."

Remus took the necklace in his hand, recoiling from her. "You don't understand, Tonks."

"You're right," she said. "I don't understand how painful it must've been when you found out she was dead. You loved her so much. But I can love too, and I do know what it's like to have somebody leave you. You've done it to me so many times. I'm not sure why I'm still trying to get you back. You obviously don't want me. You'd rather hold out for a dead woman than be married to me."

There wasn't a response. Remus stood still, staring into her eyes, and eventually Tonks couldn't take it anymore. His silence was all the answer she needed, and she had to leave. She pushed past him, letting his coat fall to the snow and leaving him alone in the cemetery. When she reached the gate, Tonks turned back around, for one last look, and saw that he had knelt down on her grave. As he ran his fingers along the name on Allison's headstone, she saw that he was touching that engraved piece of rock with more tenderness than she could ever hope to receive from him.

With her hand to her mouth, Tonks took herself as far away from that graveyard as possible.

* * *

Amid reports that muggleborns were being rounded up and taken for questioning, Ted Tonks still knew when his daughter needed him. While his wife insisted he go into hiding to avoid capture, he just couldn't, not after seeing the look on his Dora's face. It was awful what she was going through, and he wanted to stay to make sure she would be okay. Andromeda certainly wasn't going to help Dora get better.

When his daughter came back earlier that evening, showing all the signs of having been crying, he brought her a bowl of soup while his wife tried to scold her for doing something so clearly upsetting. Of course, Andromeda wouldn't listen when he asked her to stop needling the poor girl, and Tonks had locked them both out of her room. Now all Ted could do was wait until she left her room, and he sat in his chair in the living room, reading the Prophet and listening for any indication that his daughter was stirring.

The doorbell rang. He carefully folded the paper and stood, walking towards the front door. When Ted opened it, he saw the last person he ever thought he would see, and the last person his family would want in their house. Something in the man's expression, though, caused Ted to open the door wide and let the visitor inside.

"Thank you, Ted," said Remus Lupin.

"Don't make me regret this," Ted replied. He kept his guest in the entryway, blocking the arch that led to the rest of the house with his sizeable stomach. "After what you've done to my daughter, give me one reason why I shouldn't toss you back out that door."

Remus took a deep breath. "I know you must think me awful," he said. "I know I do. But I would like the chance to explain myself to Dora. I'm not asking for forgiveness, just a moment to talk with her."

Considering this, Ted folded his arms across his chest and looked his son-in-law square in the eyes. "Fine," he said. "I'll bring her down. If she doesn't want to talk to you, though…"

"Then I'll leave," Remus said instantly.

Ted nodded his approval and turned to walk up the stairs. Dora's door was still shut and he could hear small sniffles coming from inside. He tapped lightly on the door. "Sweetheart, you have a visitor," he said when he was met with silence. "I'll ask him to leave if you want, but I think you should talk to him."

He waited for a moment, long enough for his daughter to respond or open the door. When there wasn't any sign of movement, Ted turned and headed for the stairs to ask Remus to go. On the first step, he heard the creak of a door hinge, and then he heard Dora's voice. "Wait, dad," she said. "I want to talk to him."

"All right, sweetheart," Ted said, and he gestured down the stairs.

Tonks thanked her father, understanding the look on his face that meant he would be just upstairs, waiting if anything bad happened. Remus was past the bottom of the stairs, standing stiffly by the front door. He was staring at the ground with his hands in his coat pockets, and he glanced up at her approaching footsteps. "Dora," he said, sounding relieved.

"I'm being foolish," she told him. The same thought was repeating in her head, and she knew she was right. The man in front of her had used up all his chances. "I don't think there's anything else that needs to be said, by you or me."

Remus looked as if he wanted to step forward, but he held himself in place. "I wanted to explain myself," he said. "I feel like you didn't understand what—"

"I understand perfectly, Remus," Tonks interrupted. "You're still in love with your dead wife. I can't replace her, so why try to fake something that isn't there? I get it."

He shook his head. "No, Dora, you really don't."

"So you're not still in love with Allison?" she asked, crossing her arms.

Remus clenched his jaw and looked up at the ceiling, blinking rapidly. He said quietly, and with visible strain, "I will always be in love with her."

"Then how am I wrong?" Tonks bit her lip to stop it from trembling.

Her husband glanced back down to look at her. His eyes were bloodshot. "I'm not going to pretend I wasn't completely in love with her," he said. "She was an enormous part of my life and old feelings never really go away. Her death affected me more than anything I've—" His voice broke off with a small gasp and he cleared his throat before trying to speak again. "Allie died. If she had lived, things would be very different. You wouldn't have looked twice at the married man with kids Harry's age, and you'd probably still be with that Davis fellow right now. But Allie died. It happened, and I've had to cope with that." He stopped and took a deep breath.

"How is this supposed to change anything?" Tonks asked. "I already figured all that."

"Let me finish," he said shakily. "When I met you, it was the closest thing to a miracle I've ever experienced. You made it so much easier to deal with the fact that I've lived through so many horrible things, and it was almost as if none of it ever mattered. I never thought I would meet another person who could make me feel like that, but you did. You made me better. I love you, Dora, and I am so glad I met you."

Tonks tried to swallow around the lump in her throat. "But?" she wondered. "There has to be a 'but' or you wouldn't have left me."

"But…" He hesitated. "But I'm a coward and I couldn't go through that pain again."

That surprised her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He looked so very tired as he stared at her, his eyes weary and his shoulders drooping. "It means that ever since we met, the worst parts of my life are repeating," he sighed. "Friends are dying, I'm back at werewolf politics, and the one person I couldn't bear to lose is in constant danger, pregnant, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about any of it. I barely made it through the first time, so I was selfish for once in my cursed life and I ran away. I ran away so I wouldn't have to deal with it when you were inevitably taken from me like everything else."

The reason sounded feeble to Tonks, but it also sounded like something Remus would believe. His sense of nobility had always been overshadowed by his sense of self-preservation, and it followed that he would forgo what was right for what was easy. It wasn't cowardice so much as it was emotional unconnectedness, but he always confused the two, so he often believed he was running when really he didn't have the tools to cope with conflict. Tonks frowned. "So this is the real reason for everything," she said. "All the other stuff you said—being poor, your illness, our ages—what? All excuses?"

"No," he said. "I still think you deserve someone much better than me."

Tonks was quiet for a moment, taking that in. Then she took a deep breath. "This is my life and my relationship," she said firmly. "I'm the one who agreed to marry you, and I'm the one who's pregnant with our child. Shouldn't I have a say in how things pan out between us?"

Remus nodded emphatically, daring to take a step closer for the first time since they began their conversation. He took both her hands in his. "Yes of course," he said. "I've been remarkably unfair to you. I want to make things right."

She took a step towards him too, her heart hurting and her brain telling her she really ought to walk away from him. She couldn't, though, not as much as she loved him. He may have been self-deprecating, emotionally stunted, and far too willing to do what other people told him, but he was also thoughtful and intelligent, kind and helpful, and he was still Remus. Until he told her to give up, she would keep trying to make him see reason. "And how would you go about doing that?" Tonks wanted to know. "You've got an awful lot to make up for."

Remus bowed his head against her hands. "There is nothing I can do to make up for the way I treated you," he said. "I don't deserve you or your forgiveness. But I want to come home. I want to do everything possible to earn your trust again."

Nodding, Tonks drew him into an embrace. He pressed his nose into her shoulder, and she thought she felt a wet patch growing on her shirt. "I love you, Remus," she said, her hands buried in his hair. "You can't do something like this again. I won't be so generous next time."

"Nor should you be," he mumbled. She could barely hear him through the fabric. "I love you so much, Dora. I'm not going to mess up again. I'm going to be here for you and the baby, no matter what."

Pulling back, she looked into his blue eyes, to decide for herself if he was telling the truth. He was staring back at her with such determination that she would have believed anything he told her. Then his eyes flicked down to her lips, just for a second, and she kissed him full on the mouth, not letting go until he swept her up into his arms and kissed her back. When he finally replaced her gently on the ground, his hand had migrated to her stomach, running his thumb in delicate circles. She smiled into his lips, their foreheads together, and he smiled too.

"We're going to be okay?" he asked. His voice was hoarse.

"We're going to be okay," Tonks replied. She had never been so sure of that statement.


End file.
